Kicauan Sebelum Tidur

Halo,
ini udah malem dan gw ga tahu bener bener harus ngapain
there's absolutely something wrong in my brain
which I don't know what or why
I just felt, something isn't right

Anyway,
tomorrow gonna be my first day, alone in Jakarta
yipi,
well not literally alone si haha,
jutaan orang juga tinggal di Jakarta si bung,

btw, bicara soal kota, pingin deh by 25 I'll be already living in 4 different countries, and hmm let say 6 cities
haha
so it's like 6 years to go by now, dan gw bru pernah tinggal di 2 negara, dan 3 kota,
jadi masih ada 3 kota dan 2 negara lgi hahaha
yes yes, malem malem emang paling enak mimpi

Anyway, I've just finished my GMAT Preps class,
long way to go to master those questions
target gw si 700 (YA KALI DEEEH, and it's like 200 points need to be upgrade)
haha, berjuang gapapa kali ya bos

Oh iya,
gw jga masih bingung mw s2 apa kerja,
klo dulu pas masih kuliah si dengan entengnya ngomong s2, ga pake mikir,
tapi, habis kuliah dan sidang, dan ngelihat orang-orang pada kerja,
jadi mikir lagi, enak kali ya kalo kerja
dapet duit sendiri, pake cool work outfit, fasilitas kantor etc
haha ga deng becandaan,
sebenernya yang lebih memicu adalah pas baca post mimpi sebelumnya,
ada poin to be financially independent when I reach 19, which is like in the next 2 months

Ya Allah, darimana gw dapet duit , at least 3 jta per bulan
Tolong Sania ya Allah..

Walaupun sebenernya gw adalah tipe anak pasrah pengikut nasib hha
of course, I'll try to do my best effort,
but when it doesn't result as I wish for, what could i say
jungkir balik, koprol sambil bilang wow gtu?
haha sorry it's getting out of topic

and now I'm living my life as an unemployed bratz
yes!yes! I do realize, I spent my parent's money too much,
biaya hidup, biaya les, biaya kos
believe me, I HATE THAT,
which makes the idea of getting a job sound like an ideal getaway from my problem,
since I'm feeling useless
which I HATE SO MUCH,

even tough I kinda promise my parents I'll be living on my own by 21,
which normal people in Indonesia do (after they graduate),
but again in my case, I kinda accelerated it
now I'm 18, almost graduated, dont have exact idea what to do,
yes, I have some sort of plan in my head,
tapi kelabilan melanda yang ngebuat plan-nya sedikit terganggu

jadi sekarang gw masih unemployed,
doing my GMAT Prep (the only productive things I do nowadays)
pengen kerja tpi males banget ngelamar kemana-mana,
omg, I'm really in my useless moment,

so WHAT SHOULD I DO?

One thing I'm sure about is
I NEED TO HAVE HIGH GMAT SCORE
700 ke atas mungkin,
which is like impossible mission
but yeah, let's try

another thing I want to do apapun itu,
gw bersedia ngajarin anak SD Matematika, apapun deh, at least i do something for people
which makes me feel much better
masih pingin jadi pengajar muda setahun di pulau terpencil indonesia, tapi pengajar muda belum buka lowongan :(

anyway, setelah nulis kekhawatiran-kekhawatiran dalam hidup gw,
I feel much better, and have another sort of plan in my head right now
not that I being ungrateful or complain for what i have today

I'M REALLY GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE TODAY,and i should be!

it just sometimes you need to write all your worries down to reflect on yourself!

tulisan-tulisan ini malah ngebuat gw sadar, hal-hal yang sekarang terjadi di hidup gw,
mulai dari hal yang gw suka lakukan sampai hal yang bahkan gw sendiri tahu harusnya bisa gw perbaiki atau bahkan ga gw lakukan,

I'm the only one who can change it

kayak lagu "Man in the Mirror" nya MJ

yes people,complaining your life and compared it to others is somehow addicted 

of course sometimes you need to look up to go forward but do grateful for what you have today and also don't forget to people who aren't as lucky as you are today

atau kalo di Indonesia-innya

" Rasanya mengeluh itu enak banget ya, tapi ya kok malu sendiri ngelihat orang-orang yang ada dibawah"

People who struggle for their life every day
People who can't receive education
and so on and so on

dan gw jadi ngerasa malu sendiri kalo gw ngeluh untuk hal hal yang seharusnya .....
I even can't describe it with word

gw ngeluh, hanya karena gw dapet email yang mengharuskan gw melakukan effort
yang sebenernya kalo gw pikir dengan jernih,
ga sebanding sama effort bapak2 yang ngumpulin sampah di luar sana,
bapak2 yang panas2 dorong gerobak sampah sampai sore,
cuma buat dapat uang buat makan anak keluarganya

dan gw?
gw yang lgi santai di kamar, tiba-tiba kesel karena emailnya sedikit merusak plan-plan gw
astaga!
gw harusnya bisa semalu itu,

to be honest,

I do really think we need to think with a clear mind first

kepala dingin deh Indonesianya

How to do that?

try to Control your emotions

Kata mbak wikihow :

Controlling your emotions doesn't mean ignoring them. It means you recognize them and act on them when you deem it appropriate, not randomly and uncontrollably.

Ask yourself, "What is another way to look at the situation that is more rational and more balanced than the way I was looking at it before?" 

Sometimes , your negative emotion burst out and the situation get worse when you think:

"When people treat me unfairly, it is because they are bad people."

It is terrible when I am seriously frustrated, treated badly, or rejected.

It's get even worse when you're doing 

Mind reading and Labeling

source (Wikihow)

jadi, harusnya sebagai seorang yang baru saja dinyatakan lulus dan jadi sarjana,
gw bisa lebih mengontrol emosi,
of couse, people do make mistake,
everyone ever makes one,
but then how we react to it? burst into emotion? or think logic?
it's all our choices

I'm actually never really mad at someone, gw jga ga tahu kenapa
I found it really hard to stay mad at one person,
of course sometimes I hate it
i do think sometimes I forgive too quickly
even when that person never really apologize to me
it just, I hate the idea of living in hatred
it's like not being life my live fully
hahaha another random stuff I write tonight

gw rasa cukup sudah kicauan refleksi gw malam ini
gw udah cukup nulis ngalor ngidul tak berstruktur

haha sekian kicauan gw malam ini,
maaf sekali lagi kalo ga terstruktur
it just something that popped up in my mind in this middle of night
and I really try to write honestly

btw if you realize , gw nulis postnya campur2 inggris indo gtu haha
kenapa? soalnya gw belakangan sering banget denger orang ngomongnya campur indo inggris gtu di tempat les, yang entah kenapa bikin gw agak sensi,
KENAPA? idk blame it to the heart, brain, etc
hahaha, jadi biar ga sensi lgi kali ini gw mw nyoba gimana si ini rasanya ngomong campur2
well in my case, nulis campur2